


Bronn Blackwater: Second-Best-Man-in-Command

by NaomiGnome



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Humor, Jaime gets super soft about Brienne, Jaime has a stag party, Not Beta Read, bronn owns a bar and jaime is getting married, this spiraled from a tumblr post dont @ me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:28:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24902338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaomiGnome/pseuds/NaomiGnome
Summary: Jaime Lannister has a bachelor party. Bronn has been made second-best-man-in-command. What could go wrong?
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Comments: 30
Kudos: 78





	Bronn Blackwater: Second-Best-Man-in-Command

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this like I was possessed by all the crack energy I get from discord. Enjoy.

The Blackwater Bar was known for two things: strippers and shots. Bronn would know, he was the owner. For that reason, to Bronn’s dismay, the bar was very popular for bachelor parties. And to Bronn’s extra dismay, today he was a customer _at his own fuckin’ bar_.

“You are second-best-man-in-command, Bronn!!” Tyrion had exclaimed, already mostly drunk from pre-gaming. He couldn’t swing his arm around Bronn’s neck, and instead settled for sitting in Bronn’s lap, like Bronn was the Fucking Father of Wintertime. 

He was thankful, the Jaime Lannister bachelor party was a small one. Best-man, Tyrion Lannister, Jaime’s groomsmen: himself, Addam Marbrand, Podrick Payne (who ended being both a groomsman and a bridesmaid for some convoluted reason that was beyond Bronn), and Jaime Lannister were all settled into the best booth at Blackwater Bar. 

Tyrion had made them all wear these _ridiculous_ white cloaks (they sat rather like capes) that read in shiny red rhinestones across the back: ‘JamLan’s Ultra Knightly Bachelor Party Extraordinaire’. 

“Why the fuck am I second-in-command?” Bronn shoved his dwarf-ass off of him. 

Tyrion giggled uselessly and clambered into Pod’s lap in response. 

Jaime had been talking animatedly with Addam at the end of the table, still cursedly sober. He had taken into account the cloaks (capes) with mirthful eyes and swung it gallantly over his shoulders at the beginning of the night. The rest of the party had no choice but to follow by example. Pod looked sheepishly at Bronn who just shook his head, “Jeyne!” he called out to his best waitress. 

Jeyne sauntered over, assessed Jaime and Addam and _Pod_ (what the _fuck_ ) with hungry eyes, “What can I do for you, sers?”

Tyrion was still giggling stupidly. 

Well, Bronn figured, if he was going to be second-best-man-in-command he was going to do it right. And he was going to make a killing off of the Lannisters drunk asses, while doing it. 

“Jeyne! We’re doing a stag---get the groom here,” he gestured to Jaime belligerently, “The stag shot special!” 

Jeyne nodded in response and turned her curves to Jaime, “Lucky girl, whoever she is.”

Jaime grinned, “I’m the lucky man.”

“How tall is your lady, ser?”

Jaime’s eyes lit up and said dreamily (it was disgusting), “She’s a little taller than me, six foot three.” 

Jeyne’s eyebrows shot up and she turned a questioning glance at her boss. Bronn nodded, with a salacious grin, “And a few shots for all the other boys too.”

“I’m not a frat boy,” Addam laughed like a frat boy, “Beer please.”

Jeyne nodded again and left. 

Tyrion had managed to get off Pod long enough to snuggle up to Bronn, “See? I knew you would make an _excellent_ second-best-man-in-command!”

Bronn just grinned in response. Jeyne returned with another girl, carrying a tray each. “Here are some beers, sers, and some shots, and _this_ is the stag shot special for the lucky man over here.” She batted her eyelashes at Jaime, before sliding a tray full of shots in his direction. 

Pod piped up, “Ma’am!” Jeyne stared at him. “Would you mind taking a group picture for us?” He held out his camera. Jeyne shrugged and took it off his hands, pointing it at them. Jaime and Addam slung their arms around each other in a brotherly fashion smiling like normal people (honestly the bastards didn’t even know how easy they had it being handsome fucks), Pod smiled shyly, Tyrion smiled drunken and stupid from Bronn’s side and Bronn flipped off the camera with his signature grin. The flash went off and Jeyne handed it back, and swayed away with an “Enjoy, sers!” 

“Bronn,” Jaime said slowly looking at the tray, “There are thirteen shots here.”

“Aye,” Bronn laughed, “It’s a shot for every half-foot your lady is, and one extra for the inches that fall in between, that’s the stag shot special. Drink up, fucker.” 

Addam guffawed and Tyrion whooped and even Pod pumped his fists in encouragement, holding his damned camera in preparation. Jaime eyed them suspicion, but Bronn had to give it to Jaime fuckin’ Lannister. He took on challenges like he was charging a fucking dragon. 

“You wanna marry your tall-ass lady? Drink the shots!” 

So he did. 

******

Bronn took great pride in the strippers of Blackwater Bar. He handpicked them, himself. It was Friday evening, and the night was still young, and the show was about to begin. But Jaime fuckin’ Lannister, thirteen shots in, was not excited about strippers. 

_Instead_ , he would not shut the fuck about his mountain of a fiancé. 

“Jaime!” Tyrion looked distraught, “Jaime, the strippers!! The strippers are coming! Brienne is great, but the strippers are coming!!”

Jaime harrumphed, “Brienne could out strip all of these girls!! ALL OF THEM!!” 

Addam said, slightly slurred, “Dacey could give Brienne a run for her money. She’s got---” he stumbled over his words, “You know---she’s got--”

Jaime ignored Addam, “Brienne is so good though. When she takes off her clothes, it’s like a goddess that sheds her mortal form.” Jaime looked so starry eyed at the thought, Bronn was overwhelmed with both disgust and curiosity. 

“LEGS.” Addam shouted, snapping his fingers, “Dacey has legs!!”

Podrick looked drunk but mortified and was diligently taking photos of the groom's party in various states of inebriation.

Tyrion shook Bronn at the shoulders, “The strippers!!”

Bronn gruffly said to Jaime, “You know, it’s fuckin’ lovely you love your fiancé.” Jaime’s eyes went soft at the word. “ _But_ , a stag is for forgetting for one night that this is your last night of not being wedded!!” 

Jaime looked confused and heated, “The wedding isn’t for another three weeks.” And his eyes got big and round, “Do you think Brienne would marry me tomorrow?” 

Bronn shook his head, “Don’t know, maybe you should focus _on the stag_ , and then we can find out if Brienne will marry you tomorrow?” 

Jaime’s eyes grew more heated, “I hate stags. Renly Boratheon can suck my cock. _HE WISHES HE COULD SUCK MY COCK_. Bastard.”

Bronn sent him a questioning stare to which Jaime blurted out pathetically, “Brienne is mine! She should only make pretty eyes at me!!” 

Before Bronn could respond, the lights of the bar leading up to the stage, dipped suddenly. A voice overhead in the intercom, “HELLO GENTS AND LADIES, WELCOME TO ROYALTY NIGHT. ARE YOU FUCKIN’ READY FOR SOME STRIPPERS?!” 

“STRIPPERS!” Tyrion whooped. 

Addam glanced at Bronn, “Royalty night?”

Before Bronn could answer, his intercom voice boomed overhead, “PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE...QUEEN CERSEI.” 

Both Jaime and Tyrion snorted and choked into their beers as a blonde, sun-kissed half-naked stripper with a crown came sashaying down the runway. 

Bronn jeered, “The girls are all named from Middle Westerosi queens. Never say I don’t advocate for education and history. Thought this history fuckin’ nerd would appreciate it.”

Jaime looked overcome with a strange sort of disgusted determination, watching a namesake of his twin sister’s namesake swing wildly on the pole. Bronn always sent ‘Cersei’ out first, she wasn’t the best of the night. Jaime scoffed, “Brienne is definitely better at stripping. Hells,” he slurred, “ _I_ could do better than that!”

Tyrion looked as somber as he possibly could, “WHY? WHY DEFILE THE STRIPPERS LIKE THAT. The strippers don’t deserve that, Bronn!” Tyrion stood on Bronn’s lap abruptly. “The strippers deserve the dignity of a good stage name!” he wailed. 

Bronn shoved Tyrion, “They’re not all named Cersei, stupid. There’s Danaerys and---”

Addam was whooping appreciatively as ‘Queen Danaerys’ sauntered down the stage to join ‘Queen Cersei’, and Podrick even gave an excited hum, but Jaime fuckin’ Lannister was no longer in his seat. 

“Where the fuck---”

Addam gave a holler, and Podrick a gasp, and Tyrion cheered. Bronn turned towards the stage only to see Jaime fuckin’ Lannister stalking down the stage runway in _nothing_ but his bachelor-party, bedazzled, white cloak billowing behind him, a pair of denim speedos, and cowboy boots, both of which looked suspiciously like the costuming from Thursday’s themed Blackwater Country Night. 

“I am the Kingslayer!!” Jaime shouted, “And I can out stripper dance all of you!” There were boos, and cheers, and Addam let a whoop out. Podrick was rapidly clicking on his camera. 

Bronn shoved his way to the front of the stage, before his security came and threw him out. He sent a signal to Sandor, saying it was okay, that Bronn would fuckin’ handle it, 

_Because I fuckin’ handle everything._ Bronn thought to himself. “Oi, get down from there you stupid cunt. Or security is going to throw you out.” 

Jaime ignored him, and swung himself uselessly around the middle pole. Bronn tried again, “I think _Brienne_ would be disappointed if she saw you pole dancing for someone that wasn’t her. Wouldn’t want her to fuckin’ think that maybe she should be doing some pole dancing for certain other stags. You know?” 

Jaime jumped down immediately and said in a hushed voice, “She wouldn’t call it off would she?” 

“Hey! Don’t do that!” a voice rang out before Bronn could answer him.

Bronn looked back and he could see Tyrion trying to crawl his way onto the stage. _Motherfuckin’ Lannisters_. “Come on!” he called to Jaime, and he made his way toward Tyrion, before Sandor could drop kick his ass into the next block over.

He had assumed Jaime was following him, sobered by the idea of Brienne being disappointed, but when he returned to the table dragging Tyrion by the collar, Podrick piped up, “Where’s Jaime?” 

Bronn swore when he scanned the bar and saw no Jaime in sight. “Come on, we gotta go find the besotted cunt. Probably on his way to Brienne’s to fuckin’ beg to be married.” 

Podrick followed diligently, with very little sway. Addam downed the rest of his beer, and hoisted Tyrion onto his shoulders. Tyrion who usually despised being lifted and carried due to his height, clapped his hands together in glee, “The weather up here is _crazy_!”

They marched for the exit of the bar. Sandor grunted and confirmed Bronn’s irritation, “The idiot went out there muttering some garbage about going North for her.”

Bronn sighed, and the JamLan’s Ultra Knightly Bachelor Party Extraordinaire was stepping out into the night to find their missing groom. 

*****

They found Jaime via the track-my-phone app Tyrion had installed. He was currently sitting in the chair of a Riverrun Tattoo Parlor/ Barber Shop. Still only wearing the white bedazzled cape, the denim speedo, and the cowboy boots. 

The moustache was new though. Jaime had the beard portion of his facial effectively shaved so that only his moustache remained. Underneath the fuckin’ fuzzy caterpillar of a nose strip, Jaime was smiling maniacally at them.

“What in gods fuck,” Bronn whispered. He heard the shutter click of Pod’s camera over the uproar of Addam and Tyrion absolutely howling over the sight of Jaime. 

“GUYS!” The barber/ tattoo artist was bent over his tools, barely sparing them a glance, while Jaime jovially greeted them. “Do you think Brienne will like it? She says she likes my beard, but I wanted to surprise her with a new look.”

“No,” Bronn snorted, “You look like a fuckin’ wildling, you stupid son of bitch.” 

Jaime’s face fell, “Oh, she doesn’t like wildlings.” But then his eyes lit up, “But beards grow back! And I think the other surprise I’m getting she’ll definitely like!” 

“What other surprise--?”

Bronn was cut off by the whir of the tattoo gun. Podrick’s camera clicked again. Bronn held his hand up and confronted the alleged barber/ tattoo artist, “What the _fuck_ do you think you’re doing?”

The barber/ tattoo artist shrugged and said, “Listen, the guy,” he motioned to Jaime he was still giddily waiting in the seat, “paid me five hundred dollars to shave off his beard and give him a tattoo on his chest.”

Jaime cut in, “Over my heart!”

The barber/ tattoo artist nodded, “Over his heart. For his sweetling, Brian.”

Addam and Tyrion gasped scandalously behind them, “ _Brian?!_ Brienne would be heartbroken Jaime!!”

Bronn hissed, “This cunt can’t even spell his fiancé’s name correctly, and you’re going to fucking tattoo it over his heart?”

The fuckin’ idiot shrugged again. From the seat Jaime grasped Bronn’s sleeve and pulled him down to his eye level. “Bronn, Bronn, Bronn, listen to me.” Jaime clumsily grasped at Bronn’s shoulder.

Bronn waited with a look of absolute exasperation. 

“ _Bronn_. You have to let me get Brienne’s name over my heart. She has to _know_.” 

“She has to know what, you idiot?”

“She has to _know_ that my heart is her’s. It’s her’s. It’s always going to be her’s.” Jaime’s eyes had gotten wide and shiny and his voice had gotten wet with emotion.

Bronn sighed and rubbed his eyes. _Thirteen fuckin’ shots_ , he thought with a grimace. He’s going to have to rethink his specials. 

“Listen, Jaime.” Bronn said, reaching over and grasping the other man’s shoulder. “Brienne loves you. I don’t know why, you’re the most reckless, idiotic bastard on this side of Westeros but she loves you. She knows your heart is her’s. Her heart is yours, too, stupid.”

Addam and Tyrion and Pod affirmed his statement with whoops and hollers and shouting.

“She loves you so much, she’d go on a quest for you!!”

“She’s your knight in shining armor, she’d never leave you!!”

“She likes your sword too much to dump you now!!”

Jaime looked apt to start crying, but he instead pulled Bronn into a too tight hug that Bronn awkwardly returned. Then Jaime slumped over him, and he was gone. 

_Fuck_. The bastard had passed out. After all that. 

*****  
Bronn had sent Tyrion and Addam home with Pod, who was the least inebriated of the three. Meanwhile, he took a cab with Jaime to Brienne’s apartment building. He dragged Jaime’s sorry, half-naked ass down the hall to her door, arm wrapped around his waist while Jaime’s arm was slung loosely around his. Their bachelor-party cloaks were trailing behind them.

“Hey, Bronn,” Jaime said, eyes still glazed over, as they were approaching Brienne’s door.

“Hm?”

“You’re the best second-best-man-in-command ever,” 

Bronn laughed, “Thanks,” and dropped all of Jaime’s dead weight onto the ground in front of Brienne’s door. His body hit the ground with a loud thump and a groan. Bronn stepped in front of Jaime’s useless body and knocked sharply on the door. 

After a moment, Brienne opened the door with a confused expression, taking in Bronn with furrowed eyebrows. “Bronn? Weren’t you doing the stag party for Jaime?”

“Well, here’s your precious princess.” Bronn declared, swooshing his ridiculous cloak back to reveal Jaime passed out on the ground in his own white, bedazzled cloak, denim speedo, cowboy boots, and moustached glory. 

He snapped a photo of Brienne’s face, before walking away, cloak rippling behind him, the red rhinestones reading ‘JamLan’s Ultra Knightly Bachelor Party Extraordinaire’ glittering as brightly as they did at the beginning of the night.

**Author's Note:**

> This whole fic is inspired by this tumblr post that came up on my dash: 
> 
> <https://sassbewitchedmyass.tumblr.com/post/187065212558/bronn-bringing-jaime-back-home-to-brienne-after>
> 
> I had laughed for fifteen minutes straight after seeing it.


End file.
